Married and Lonely at the Same Time

"I'm tired of feeling alone," Diane, who's been married 14 years, commented. "My husband, Ben, is into everything. He has a ball game or a meeting nearly every night. If he's home he's on the phone talking over strategies for the next game or meeting. He has time for everyone except me."

"If friends and colleagues were enough," Kim, a wife of 10 years, complained, "I wouldn't have married. I want a husband. I want someone who's with me, who can share my life on a daily basis."

No one expects it to happen. Marriage is supposed to prevent loneliness, isn't it? Unfortunately, it doesn't.

In our work with couples we've frequently heard the same kind of complaint: "I'm married, but I'm lonely." We all crave the physical and emotional intimacy of a spouse who's really there for us. When this doesn't happen, frustration, hurt, and anger mingle with feelings of betrayal. "What's the point of being married," as Billie put it, "if you have to go looking when you need someone?" And the longer those feelings of loneliness exist, the stronger the possibility that a spouse will look outside the marriage for support, affection, companionship, and love.

What are some ways to battle marital loneliness?

If you're feeling lonely, ask yourself: 

• What's going on in my marriage that makes me feel lonely?
• Is this a short-term situation I can live with or a long-term situation that needs to change?
• Answering these questions can save you from falling into several traps.